Situations

Alright.  Lately I have been seeing a lot of people post on various websites negative reflections of their lives.  How awful things are going, how bad they feel, etc.  A lot of can be quite saddening (especially when the same people keep doing it over and over).  I am not saying that I hate it.  I really understand how some things can bring us all down, but I am hoping to sort of inspire people to remember there is an inner strength in which we all can access to remind us how things can (and will) get better.

So I'm going to inform people of my 'situation'.  I am not looking for sympathy, pity, or help.  I do not require or ask for any of those.
First off, I am a military wife.  So of course I have to deal with deployments or my husband going TAD for a certain amount of time (which varies).  Currently, I am going through my first deployment.  Amazing since we have been married for four years and this is our first time apart for a very long time.  I have dealt with him being gone before though.
For me, though, it's not much of a 'standard' deployment.  I know many wives have children to raise while their husbands are gone, or have babies while their husbands are gone.  Aaron and I have no such thing going on in our lives (we are not yet ready for children) but I am currently disabled.  I had a surgical procedure performed on a part of my body that makes it extremely difficult to accomplish things entirely on my own.  This is because I am on crutches and only have the use of one foot.  Although this sounds slightly challenging, it can be a lot more difficult then one might expect.  Moving around at any speed other than mediocre is nearly impossible to accomplish since I cannot apply pressure to both of my feet.  These difficulties range all over the place.  Lately it's been raining a lot...well that's a problem because I have to move very slowly or I will slip and fall (and I have slipped quite a few times, but fortunately I have not fallen-and hope I don't at all).  Taking a shower requires wrapping my leg up and sitting on a stool in the shower (courtesy of my mom).  Getting food from the kitchen requires slow movements, setting things down on the counter, moving a few feet, picking it up again and moving it closer to the dining room table, setting it down, then moving again (repeating this process until I reach my destination)-thank goodness I have a small apartment though, because a large house would require more time to move around in lol.  Even getting dressed and doing laundry can be an aggravation.  I basically have to move something, move myself, then move that object again until I reach the place I am setting to go.  All very menial but time consuming nonetheless.  It would certainly be a lot simpler if my husband were here to help me.

I have actually fallen.  I was standing up and I was attempting to brush my hair.  In order to do this I need to hold on to one of my crutches and balance myself while I brush my hair with my other hand.  At one point in trying to situate myself, I lost my balance.  I fell backward and tried to grab something nearest me, while throwing my leg upward (because putting pressure on it would create more problems than just falling flat).  Well my hand went out wildly and I ended up slamming my arm into my bookshelf, falling backward and hitting my head on the ground.  Honestly, if you're to the point of laughing right now, please go ahead and do so.  I certainly did.  Really, I wanted to cry. I mean, who falls doing something so simple? I felt ridiculously helpless.  And because of that...all I could really do was laugh.  And wish my sister had been in that room at the time so she could have seen it but grateful she wasn't because it is pretty embarrassing. (Another time I fell I landed on the couch, so it wasn't nearly as bad, even though I cracked my head on the corner of the laptop, but it wasn't nearly as funny, either)

And I could complain.  I suppose.  But really I shall take a positive spin on it...for example, it is requiring me to do a little more physical activity then I would have to if I had help.

I suppose the other problem I have is the fact that I need rides everywhere.  This is probably my biggest problem.  I am used to being an extremely independent person, who does everything she needs to on her own time and in her own way.  Well...kind of difficult right now because I cannot drive (I have a clutch car, so I need both feet for this operation).  I try to combine all the errands I need to run in one day so I am not taking up too much time with the person(s) who is willing to help me accomplish these things.  But I guess the positive thing is that I am saving gas money! (But I really do miss my car...she's such a beauty. And no one wants to drive her in the rain because they fear something may go wrong).

The healing process for my surgical procedure is about halfway through.  I have moments where I am completely frustrated, and I have moments where I am doing okay.  I have 4-6 weeks (starting later this week) where I will be put in a 'moon boot' and be able to walk around a little bit better, that is to say I can put pressure on the foot if it doesn't hurt to much.  After that I will be undergoing physical therapy, and the length of time on that will depend upon how long it takes to strengthen my foot back up to how it used to operate.  All of this adds up to the span of while my husband is deployed, so it's almost as though I am going through it on my own.  (Don't get me wrong, my husband really wishes he could be here, as do I, for the support and reliability we both know he can and would offer me).

A lot of what I am saying is this: Yes life is hard.  Situations can seem nearly impossible to get through, and sometimes we find ourselves placed into moments where everywhere we turn it feels as though it is despairing and there is no hope for us.  But really, there is.  We may not always see it, but every dark tunnel has a light at the end of it.  It may even be raining at the end of it, but it doesn't rain forever.  Everything is a cycle, and we keep getting through it. All the storms pass.  There will always be new ones, but there will always be sunshine too.  And I know that the end of the tunnel will be better depending on how I perceive it.  My life gets better every year.  It gets worse at times, and I have problems, but it also gets better because as I make it through those experiences and times, I manage to learn and gather something from it and move on.  I am just hoping to remind anyone who is feeling upset, or down, or angry about their current situation that you have been through this before.  Maybe it has been something different, but you have had to deal with dark days before and there was an end to it.  It may not have been all rainbows, sunshine, and unicorns afterward, but there was a brief reprieve of the darkness you had to endure so that you could live for another day.  If you can do it once, you can do it again.  Life is given to us in a beautiful moment...let us not take advantage of it by despairing, but remember to rejoice and celebrate it in the chances we have to see the beauty.  Even a storm can be beautiful, we just have to be willing to see it.

I hope this helps.

Would you call it Pride?

I guess someone would consider this an issue but I have a difficult time trusting people who turn out to be unreliable.  I think I stated this a little odd so let me try again by using an example.
If someone, as a friend, tells me they will be able to do something for me.  I expect it. (Reasonable, right?)  If they then cancel on me with a flimsy excuse, last minute, and act as though it's no big deal then I have an issue.  You make a plan with someone, you then cancel on them, and act as though it's not worth feeling bad over...well how do you think it makes me feel?
I believe that when someone does this they become unreliable.  I can then no longer trust them.  And I will actually be mad at them for quite a few days to the point where I won't ask them for anything I may normally have, even if I really needed their help.
So then becomes my question...is this bordering on Pride?  Or would it just be letting Anger get the best of me? I do not get angry very easily and I do not let it consume me in a rage, but I just feel as though I cannot trust that person.  Even if it's only for a couple of days. 
Or Is it Pride because even in needing their help, I would refuse to ask for it?
On a side note, I do need help with something because a friend really did cancel on me when they told me they'd help me with it...so if you're free I would greatly appreciate it! lol

Really Long Time, I know.

Well hello there. 
I know it has been an extremely long time since my last post (and actually my first one).  I just want to say that I guess I'm sorry. I have been extremely busy getting ready for various things in my life, school, work, and just having to do everything without help takes up a lot of time.  That sentence has grammar errors.  I am not going to fix it though because it's just too much effort right now.  I hope you get the point and forgive me haha.

 First the biggest thing I have been getting ready for is surgery.  I recently had to have an extra bone in my foot removed because it was aggravating and creating a fairly painful daily lifestyle that I grew tired of living with.  Since the removal of this requires a recovery time of 4-6 weeks of no weight bearing then I believe I will have a little more time to post random thoughts.  I think aside from homework I'll be fairly bored.  You can only search facebook and youtube for so many things before you want to bang your head against the wall.

On a better note, since my last blog I must report an update! I have been doing much better and have a higher amount of self-esteem!  I definitely have enough self-confidence that I care a lot less of what those who don't matter think.  I am about to face a challenge with my current class, since there are a group of girls who are all buddy-buddy with each other, but I think I will do fairly well.  Some of them seem nice enough, but girls can be pretty harsh...as I would know haha.  But we are all our own worst enemies.

Oh joy to the holidays.  There are either those who absolutely hate them, and those who absolutely love them.  Then there are those who say they love them but complain about how the holidays have a tendency to bring out the worst in people.  Fortunately, I have not experienced this last one.  I hope I never do (or I have and haven't noticed it because I see people being ridiculous and rude all year round?).  I love Christmas.  Not for the religious reason of Christmas, but I absolutely love it.  The chance to be with your family.  The smell.  I don't know how else to describe that-it's just a beautiful cinnamon-y smell that lights up everything.  The clothes (I hate the cold, but I love winter clothes haha).  And, of course, the decorations.  I Think the decorations are probably my favorite part.  I think it's because it ties everyone and everything together.  Everyone has the chance to get together and has that sense of belonging and family.  It just makes everything seem so 'merry'.

Now I know that there are those who hate the idea of being together with their family.  Where the thought of the holidays gives them chills from years of bad memories.  All I can say to those is I hope there is a day where that does not happen to them.  That they can be with those whom they love and love them.

Anyways, this year will be bland, I think.  I am hoping I will be able to make it out to see my family (since I'm disabled from driving, I will need someone to drive me-hopefully the father).  But I really am not as excited about Christmas this year as I usually am.  I do believe it is because Aaron is gone right now.  Next year will be better.  As will every other year that he is home, but this year just doesn't feel that exciting.  Probably also has to do with the fact that I did not get a tree and I am not doing any gift-giving this year due to money being tight.

Well.  Aside from my bland-but-make-the-best-of-it-holidays, I truly hope your season is filled with cheer and love!  Hug and appreciate the family you are near because it's always important to make the best of the moments we have with others while we are able.

I love you, Aaron.  And I miss you! <3

The 'New' Me

This year has introduced a lot of new abilities and opportunities for my life.  It is almost impossible to believe that so many changes can occur in one year.  But I have proven that it is possible, and as I overcome one obstacle after another, I only grow stronger as a human being.  I feel as though I am growing into my skin, becoming the person that I have always desired to be and known that I could become.

I do worry sometimes that I will fall flat upon my face.  Or that I will stall in something.  On some moments, I actually have.  But because I have an absolutely wonderful and encouraging husband, I have only found myself getting back on my feet and tackling my problems once more.  I may 'fail' in some people's eyes, but I have learned that I have only discovered yet another way that may not be successful.

Part of the new me has consisted of going back to school, loosing weight, eating healthier, and becoming more active in outdoor activities.  Yet I believe the most crucial part of my 'transformation' as we could call it, is the fact that I am learning confidence in myself.  The self-doubt that has plagued me for years is slowing being shed off of my skin.  I am forming a new, stronger structure of who I am and how I will deal with my issues.  It is very encouraging to tell myself that I CAN do it, that I CAN succeed, that I AM worth every bit that I should have been considered by myself and by others.

I know there is a line to where some confidences would appear cocky and too self-assured.  Perhaps this is one of the reason's I have always been so hesitant to take the step into confidence-in-myself role.  I have always believed in other people, but often lacked belief in myself...and it could kill my relationship with others.  Especially the most important people in my life.  What has helped me was first breaking down why I didn't believe in myself.  When I addressed these ridiculous issues (which I am not going to go into detail, because some of it may offend certain parties), I started to think...Why do I not believe in myself? Because someone once told me they doubted I could do it? What do I think? How do I feel about the situation?  Aren't my opinions important upon the decisions in which I choose to make, not others?

Some people drag others down because they have very little faith in themselves.  They do not believe that they could accomplish something.  And instead of admitting it, they outwardly project themselves as fantastic human beings who could but just don't want to...and put others down who could actually achieve an end to their means.  I have learned to move on from these moments and their disbeliefs and learn to believe in what I myself think is true.  To have actual faith in myself.  It is a very glorious moment when I tell myself that the obstacles in front of me can be overcome because they were placed in front of me TO overcome.

If you would like a detail, I shall use one.  Specifically at this moment I am enduring the separation of the one person in my life who I have connected with on levels with no one else before.  He has been my best friend through thick and thin, and my rock when I was tired in the ocean and needed to rest.  We have been through our ups and downs, and I believe that this deployment will hold both for us.  It is down because we are apart, but with faith and love it can be up from what we learn of this experience.  Both of each other and ourselves.  I am personally going to experience a true test of the confidence that I have slowly been building throughout the year.  The self-esteem in myself as being HIS one and only, HIS 'saving grace' if you see fit to call it.  I have always doubted myself in this.  Not from anyone else, but because I have felt that I am just not good enough for anyone to stay with for too long...even though I have always known that I am a fantastic person and anyone who is lacking my friendship is missing out on an interesting experience.  And with him it is not just a friendship but a bountiful amount of life and love.  Whether separated or together, I am his only.  I am finally learning to believe in this.  One part has helped because he has told me over and over again.  Another part has helped because I finally have started to listen and believe his words as true.  That I am worth a damn, especially to him.

Self-esteem has always been an issue for me.  I think it is an issue for a majority of people who go through various stages of life, we just overcome it at different ages.  I was letting my personal experiences of disappointments and let-downs from past friends affect me adversely, instead of moving on to a better person.  In time, I have learned to take a lesson from each disappointed experience, but to not let it affect me in such a way as my self-esteem starts to suffer from it.

This is a difficult task for me.  I have jar of self-esteem and confidence that slowly fills itself each day, week, month of the year.  And with it, I shall have revealed unto myself an amazing person that I may have always projected myself to be, but have not always felt and believed to be true.  So now starts a new day, a new perspective, and a new lesson in how to grow.  I am in hope and encouraged that my friends and family will only push me higher upon this path as I grow into this new skin, as it has continued to be.  I thank those who have always believed in me, and I hope I do not let anyone down especially myself.

I am an amazing person.  I will always be.  Although moments in life let me down, I cannot let it drag me down to the bottom anymore.  Others may be able to push me up, but I have to be willing to climb as well.

P.S.  I love you, Aaron.  Thank you for all that you have shown me of myself in the last 4 years.  I only hope that I have done the same for you in return.  You are amazing, come home safely <3