The 'New' Me

This year has introduced a lot of new abilities and opportunities for my life.  It is almost impossible to believe that so many changes can occur in one year.  But I have proven that it is possible, and as I overcome one obstacle after another, I only grow stronger as a human being.  I feel as though I am growing into my skin, becoming the person that I have always desired to be and known that I could become.

I do worry sometimes that I will fall flat upon my face.  Or that I will stall in something.  On some moments, I actually have.  But because I have an absolutely wonderful and encouraging husband, I have only found myself getting back on my feet and tackling my problems once more.  I may 'fail' in some people's eyes, but I have learned that I have only discovered yet another way that may not be successful.

Part of the new me has consisted of going back to school, loosing weight, eating healthier, and becoming more active in outdoor activities.  Yet I believe the most crucial part of my 'transformation' as we could call it, is the fact that I am learning confidence in myself.  The self-doubt that has plagued me for years is slowing being shed off of my skin.  I am forming a new, stronger structure of who I am and how I will deal with my issues.  It is very encouraging to tell myself that I CAN do it, that I CAN succeed, that I AM worth every bit that I should have been considered by myself and by others.

I know there is a line to where some confidences would appear cocky and too self-assured.  Perhaps this is one of the reason's I have always been so hesitant to take the step into confidence-in-myself role.  I have always believed in other people, but often lacked belief in myself...and it could kill my relationship with others.  Especially the most important people in my life.  What has helped me was first breaking down why I didn't believe in myself.  When I addressed these ridiculous issues (which I am not going to go into detail, because some of it may offend certain parties), I started to think...Why do I not believe in myself? Because someone once told me they doubted I could do it? What do I think? How do I feel about the situation?  Aren't my opinions important upon the decisions in which I choose to make, not others?

Some people drag others down because they have very little faith in themselves.  They do not believe that they could accomplish something.  And instead of admitting it, they outwardly project themselves as fantastic human beings who could but just don't want to...and put others down who could actually achieve an end to their means.  I have learned to move on from these moments and their disbeliefs and learn to believe in what I myself think is true.  To have actual faith in myself.  It is a very glorious moment when I tell myself that the obstacles in front of me can be overcome because they were placed in front of me TO overcome.

If you would like a detail, I shall use one.  Specifically at this moment I am enduring the separation of the one person in my life who I have connected with on levels with no one else before.  He has been my best friend through thick and thin, and my rock when I was tired in the ocean and needed to rest.  We have been through our ups and downs, and I believe that this deployment will hold both for us.  It is down because we are apart, but with faith and love it can be up from what we learn of this experience.  Both of each other and ourselves.  I am personally going to experience a true test of the confidence that I have slowly been building throughout the year.  The self-esteem in myself as being HIS one and only, HIS 'saving grace' if you see fit to call it.  I have always doubted myself in this.  Not from anyone else, but because I have felt that I am just not good enough for anyone to stay with for too long...even though I have always known that I am a fantastic person and anyone who is lacking my friendship is missing out on an interesting experience.  And with him it is not just a friendship but a bountiful amount of life and love.  Whether separated or together, I am his only.  I am finally learning to believe in this.  One part has helped because he has told me over and over again.  Another part has helped because I finally have started to listen and believe his words as true.  That I am worth a damn, especially to him.

Self-esteem has always been an issue for me.  I think it is an issue for a majority of people who go through various stages of life, we just overcome it at different ages.  I was letting my personal experiences of disappointments and let-downs from past friends affect me adversely, instead of moving on to a better person.  In time, I have learned to take a lesson from each disappointed experience, but to not let it affect me in such a way as my self-esteem starts to suffer from it.

This is a difficult task for me.  I have jar of self-esteem and confidence that slowly fills itself each day, week, month of the year.  And with it, I shall have revealed unto myself an amazing person that I may have always projected myself to be, but have not always felt and believed to be true.  So now starts a new day, a new perspective, and a new lesson in how to grow.  I am in hope and encouraged that my friends and family will only push me higher upon this path as I grow into this new skin, as it has continued to be.  I thank those who have always believed in me, and I hope I do not let anyone down especially myself.

I am an amazing person.  I will always be.  Although moments in life let me down, I cannot let it drag me down to the bottom anymore.  Others may be able to push me up, but I have to be willing to climb as well.

P.S.  I love you, Aaron.  Thank you for all that you have shown me of myself in the last 4 years.  I only hope that I have done the same for you in return.  You are amazing, come home safely <3